Heaven as 90 year old Um Mansour describes it

"the color of the ground is pink, each walks at his turn slowly. We were all stacked in a room each inside his own tomb, we open the cover walk out of it and climb down the ladder to heaven (isn't it weird that heaven is down and not up!). It has pink sand, and there are bishops at the door but not inside. God is waiting for me, he said it's all prepared and I'm about to go there, meet my parents who are standing in queue ahead of me. Much ahead. "

"I saw that in my dream" Um Mansour says, "yesterday in my dream, and before I slept two metropolitans came to see me and we had a big ceremony here (ICU unit), they were celebrating with me before I go.

"I am tired now", she cries in pain or in sadness I couldn't tell.

I don't know if it's sad or happy.. her death I mean. She's too old to walk, talk or eat. She has gangrene in her left feet after she fell in her house. And a broken bone. She's in her nineties if not hundreds, I do not know. Sharp memory she has, recognized us and everything going on with her now and in the past. She tells where gold is hidden in her birthplace and growing up childhood; Safut, She cried like it is yesterday he died when my father's name came to mention. She still tell the story of her grandson who lived in misery in her sad heart.

Her bed-neighbor is a woman in her seventies I think, who has the same health state but is more alert. A sweet old jealous grandma:) who wants flavored yoghurt like Um Mansour, and a tilt up in her bed.. and the third neighbor is a poor younger man with lung and pancreatic cancer, and the pain he's in is literally very sad.

This shit place called Earth is really not worthy.

Weird

Expressions are great ways to communication, as many other things are.

I find it sometimes embarrassing or kind of a pride-killer when I don't know how to communicate. I relate it to the fact that I carry bachelors in communications.

I like to believe that in the written language I'm good; as in better than the oral one. I can get stuck with facial expressions, words of the mouth and human visual/ sound effects (i.e. laughs, giggles, tears, moans, cries etc..) and I hate that I get stuck.

It takes me a shut down to a wake-up of a next morning to be able to bring out those effects. It would be late.

Late to the receivers, but the machine has been going on, so maybe it's the receivers fault; not following up and not caring.

I find a void in myself these days, this buried sadness of reason, desire and want. I'm filling it with books and gym and a diet that's not even working.

What's worth a week of little food to a loss of 500g? screw it.

Books are always cool, they raise my self-pride and strength! WOW (I can mock myself now).

I am a logical person by nature. I think if I was a guy not a single girl would bare me. But being a girl of logic makes me a 30% of emotions to a 70% of logic. So this makes it easier on the nowadays living man, don't you think?

My balance has been gradually shifting to the regular girl type and the reason is clear, it's the love effect. We are weak when we love. Love can make all women become stupid, forgiving, sacrificing, and then doomed.

You can't run away from the facts, and you can't fight for what's your right because you are too weak in its face.

I confess:

I

am

weak.

Someone

Love is all.

It's of the few things that can make you drop your pride and ego.

Something all Jordanians have; the ego, not the love.

I have pride issues, with those I love most, and disguise most.

but I love some a lot... their pain makes me feel week. Their happiness makes my world. The fact that I'm going to miss them, not see them, or not be there with them when they are happy, when they are sick, or when they are indifferent, makes me listen to Candelburn and build in dry tears.

love is beautiful.

November is my sweet month too

-- A post from Guildford, UK

Amman ya 3amman

Yesterday I went to the mall for an exact simple hour.

I park my car. As I enter I saw a girl I hardly remembered but then recognized. that passed.

About to climb the escalators to the second floor, i meet my interviewer of the previous post. she nicely remembers me well and asks me if i travelled yet:P it was a nice encounter.

I enter the first shop, meet a friend of my brother's, who asks me if I travelled yet to see my niece whom she knew about through my brother's facebook activity.

I walk out of that shop on my way to the next shop, I meet my school mate who newly got engaged and i had to do the cliche mabrook smiley happy attitude thing which I honestly didn't mind but still..

I flee the mall or the visiting center.

Today..

I'm in Ghadeer's car, we had to do a couple of things in a couple of places.

i saw:

-Firas, who was buying 7alaweh from the traffic light seller near the Istishari hospital.

-Najeeb near lubna preschool's traffic light  who was on the phone smiling.

-Ilham Madfa'ei with his bold head and fisher hat by Um Uthaina's street.

-Three second cousins  in their long white mercedes driving in rabeyeh.

-Yesterday's school mate who was getting engaged, with her mom in the car.

I parked by one place to buy dvds, as I walk to the store, I hear someone calling my name. I turn to find Jason and his family having late lunch/dinner!!

Is it possible that you do something in this town without bumping into anyone!! 

       

 

My interview day

i laughed that morning.

I had no plans for dropping CVs and starting interviews because i wanted to start doing that after my trip to London is over. I dropped very few CVs and I got this one call for an interview and I thought i shouldn't miss it putting in mind the current employment rates. 

although this might seem clueless, but i really have no interview or job outfits, so i went to find something the day before and didn't manage much but some pants. I got back home and found this one suiting top over the pants and was ready for my interview the next day.

I made a mistake by deciding to sleep in Marwan's room!

he's already out of town, it's the room with the best summer breeze and a chilly morning. ahem... in my case a constipated morning!

I wanted to wake up at 9 head to the saloon to fix my curly hair straight and look formal for an ammani-styled interview where looks do score a bit in the marks they put you or the ticks they scramble on the notebook. But my stomach didn't allow me to move much from the bed... i force my self up and wear over my pjs winter pants, a jacket, thick socks and slippers and head to the one and only pleasing place in my head: the toilet!

no miracles happend there, i went back to the bed and covered myself and stomach for some further time to be able to make my stomach get some warmth. 

I get up again to my happy place (toilet again) then to the kitchen and eat dry tea something that usually makes my stomach get better.. and voila a miracle was in the progress.

I dress up quick, wear barely some make up (I don't  want to look over) and head to the hair saloon... the woman that usually does my hair didnt' like my hour-late arrival but i explained my forgivable situation and she then advices me for some "merameyeh" or any herbal tea. 

I like the idea in my head, felt stupid i didn't prepare some and took it with me in my favoured starbucks travel mug! 

my stomach was relaxed until i left the saloon and got some breeze hitting it, then on the road i found a shop like abo il 3abed's coffee place, the cheap ones on the way where i thought i can find some herbal tea.

I can't go to the interview like that, or better said: during the interview i excuse myself for the toilet!! 

so i put the signal to turn left, and wait till there were no cars... but my stomach was going bananas i had to just stop the car and sit still:( , i really made a sudden turn, that the man behind me showered me with a morning of bad words, some i have heard in my life others i couldn't finish cuz my finger automatically pressed the button to close the window lol... and I didn't care what the man was saying, i knew it was my mistake but i was in worse shoes than to worry about that.. i didn't even mind hitting the car! it's already hit from the back anyways:P so i park by the coffee place and the number of lusting/ happy to see me men were so much that i stayed in my car just glaring at them, doing nothing.

A man from the near by shop comes to me, i think he's in his mid thirties.. and i just sweetly open the window! i didn't even think and he says:

guy: i am not here to annoy you lady, and plz trust me, i saw the panic in your pale face, do u want me to get u water

(he thought it's cuz of the car accident thing)

me: no, i would really appreciate some merameyeh from there

guy: ok, i'll get u some

guy: they don't have, is tea ok

me: perfect

guy he gets me tea, and refuses to take the money and asks me if i need anything else.

me: i thank him and leave.

i drank a bit of the warm tea with mint and feel some blessed calmed down stomach. I'm on the crossroad, it's 10:45. I have 15 minutes to get to my interview. finally.

lol. traffic turns green, i put my tea cup down and just before then, i spell it all over my clothes! not pants only, but pants and top! 

it's 10:45. i either have 15 mins to turn right back home change, or 15 mins to turn left and reach the company. 

i cracked up laughing and went home..

called the lady of the comapny asking for an interview at 11:30 although i was out on my way but some drastic things happend that i had to head home:P

I reach the company with further stomach problems that i use the toilet at the 1st floor... 

I still laugh at this story

and i don't have fear of interview problems!! 

Graduation Seminar

This post is for blogging purposes.

I’m two days away from becoming an official Communications Engineer and I never thought it would feel this great : )
I can’t wait for the Graduation Ceremony on the 9th of July, 2009 where I’d hold my degree in my hand and such…
Five PSUT years… wow, it still feels like yesterday with it’s hard and easy times, with it’s goods and bads.. with the shitty people you meet and don’t realize how they suck up until the discussion day LOL and the great people you meet and realize how sweet and amazing they are….
Not to mention the doctors you enjoy and the doctors you don’t enjoy, the funny moments in class, off lectures and everything… I enjoyed PSUT in every semester, and I’m just happy and proud about everything I did and accomplished at PSUT..
I’d like to remember certain names for memory sakes…
Zaid Malkosh, he’s been my number one eversince 2nd year, loves truly, cares truly and respects truly.
Ghaith Tarawneh, I’m sure he’s gonna hate me saying that about him, but this guy is someone you owe tremendous respect for, he got recommendations from his passed away uncle to take care of me based on previous family relations and eversince a word of request from my side is a done case at his. Even at times when I shy requesting things without him knowing, he checks on me, and for my graduation project not just that he did most of the things he called me a day before the discussion from UK to make sure I know where I am!! Unbelievable.
Fadia El Issa… I just love this girl, she loves all people and helps all people and is happy with all people, I hate those people who take others for masale7, they get on my nerves, this girl is the exact opposite:D
Emad abu Zahra, Ramz Rabadi, are two great souls : )
I’m gonna miss Ma3en and his Kick ass boxing techniques… he’s such a Mr. Bean.
Yazan Hyari, I’m not close to this guy but just on the last ten days of school he showed me in my face that judging people without knowing them is such a friendship killer! He’s such an amazing loving person, unbelievable and I have been not giving him a chance of even hi bye for no good reason, just cuz I’m naïve.
I’m trying to remember all those people who left good impressions with me, so I’d read that a few months or years from now:)
I’m proud with my Graduation project, especially cuz it carries a dear cause to me, and after the discussion I was happy with how things went, although I’m not expecting more than a B from the jury, cuz our jury wasn’t the easy going ones, to me they were the horror jury but with that, it felt great at my side… I liked it when Dr. Qarraleh came in to attend the presentation I don’t know I felt that he was interested in knowing what we have to present….

UMDS- Unmanned Mine Detection System, is my simple naïve contribution to the mine community, Mine Victims and to the soul of my father….

I was happy with all those who waited for me to come out from the closed-door seminar, with all their hearts, with leaving work to attend, with calling me from their far away countries, or from behind their office doors…. I LOVE YOU ALL : )

Milad...

You should smile inside your heart after this post
He is my eldest brother, and I don't talk much about him for so many reasons.
He and I do not meet in any thoughts, minds, reactions, interests or behaviors but we share blood, looks, attitudes and love. A weird love relation I must say and trust me on that :)November 1st, 2008.. this day is a day we won't forget... and it's funny how the first of a month is an eventful day for Milad.
I woke up at 5 am at mom's worried tone, and it was in it's place, because Milad didn't come back home and we got a call from the one and only Prince Hamza Hospital informing us that Milad and Waseem (my cousin) had a serious car accident that we need to go to the hospital to check on their state but and i quote "are still alive". I was on the phone with the Hospital's operator!November 1st was a serious day for us, and we relate much of our events as before and after this day.

Milad had internal bleeding, a broken bone of the thigh, a minor bone fracture in the spine, severe 3rd, 2nd and 1st degree burns and consequent multiple operations. My cousin stayed for a week at the hospital after a one operation immediately after the accident for severe internal bleeding around the stomach lining but Milad stayed for 17 days at the staggering number one theft institute also known as: The Arab Medical Center (A long post to come about that alone). My brother was the cause of the accident, speeding in a 4x4 Trail blazer, kick down, a speed bump and a tilting angle of the street along where the Regency Palace is.. to the point that according to what people told us, the accident was reported in the next morning on Mohammad Wakeel's radio talk show without names.
after the 17days of hospital, he made it home but he needed time to regain his ability to walk and much more time for the burns to heal and reveal some healthy skin again, the whole thing took about the three months from November to ends of January.Many things got postponed with Milad's accident, and many things came up to postpone many things, one of the majors is His own wedding... He got engaged last summer and the wedding took place just two days ago surprisingly enough on the FIRST of may. It really felt bitter sweet, on his bachelor's party and the traditional shower of the groom, the boys hit Marwan (my younger brother) more than they did Milad sympathizing with the remains of his burns and his leg. he wasn't allowed to dance dabkeh or anything that requires stepping on his feet or to be carried on the back of someone (although that they did do). His burns are pretty much itchy and it was funny how he managed not to scratch but once during the wedding ceremony at church, and he stiffed up and walked without limping down the aisle... it was such a blessing from God to see him walk and alive and married after such prolonged suffering days.what was tiring the much more is how things accumulated after the accident, three months of home nursing, a very close cousin of my dad at an early age died from cancerous kill in a heart breaking situation, followed by my grandfather's death followed by marwan's -although it's minor- appendix removal surgery... we weren't' given a break... and the wedding was our little happy time out... with relatives and friends flying from sweden, canada and america to attend the wedding and our house looking like a small family run-ned hotel, it was for the first time in a while that this little house had alot of people coming for a happy occasion, and you bet it felt amazingly like a smile from the heart ...

Mabrook Milad!

25/4/1989

to your memory ...

On Easter:)

So I had to go to school on Easter's Sunday to meet up in the Projects' Lab.

On the hallways of PSUT, I ran by a university buddy with a Ma3ay6a last name,

so he tells me: Il masee7 kam 

i reply back: 7akan kam

While he was talking to me, i was on the phone so i asked him a "why are you at school?" and didn't focus while he was replying, so after i hung up, i ask again...

janabi: lesh mdawem?

Z: lesh inti mdawmeh?

Janabi: well, i have to work on my graduation project, inta?

Z: ana moslem

LOL, I then realized that Ma3ay3a is the Christian last name of what i thought was Ma3ay6a..

yuppy, this is the naive post of the day...

anyhow.. Happy Easter Everyone:)

although we didn't dye eggs, and we're officially msh m3aydeh, it still feels like Easter with a great Easter Sunday:) 

ma3 inni 5aba6et il seyara:(

this really feels like ranting, and ranting!!

bas ana ma 5aba6et, wa7ad w ana safeh 3al ishara 5aba6ni, how for the love of SIGHT did he not see the lights RED and all the CARS that are not moving like mine (alot of them) did he just decide to press his benzene pedal HARD to hit me WELL:(:(

Happy Easter and I'll go...

Ghadeer enjoy the read:) 

Goodbye house

In just two days things have drastically changed.. I was raised in this house, and lived all of my twenty three years in it. Not once changed.
I shared a room with my brother once, sister once, brother once, ellen once, and alone for a long beautiful time.. It doesn't exist anymore. A milestone in my simple life, a new house.

Change is good, it's always good but I loved our little place in this world and it suddenly feels sad.

We didn't go much away, just to the beneath ground house hopefully with a view later after the makeover, a good place for my mom's old days, a place were grandma can come to as it doesn't require the old stairs..

This is just a little goodbye note for the house I have long long lived in as it was torn down today for makeover before my brother gets married in it.

-- Post From My iPhone

jiddo

It's so cold and so ugly..

sorry for the continuos death posts on my blog... but i don't care for the apology.. death to the loved ones happens on its time, not mine or yours so live with it or do not read..

it's my jiddo..

as i sit here in our house, alone, as they left to sweden to attend the funeral... while i am here, crying with the pictures i received... cold and detached...

jiddo ibrahim died. during the day you see me out and about, and when i receive an email or a call or a zipped file with the pictures or whatever.. i realize that somewhere in the far cold land they were busy burying my grandfather...

Allah yer7amak jiddo...

Restaurant Policies Part II

7. I get it when a coffee place is like Che Che and delivers hubbly bubbly
but i do not get it how a westernized place like Java u offers hubbly bubblies!!

8. It's so freaking hard to find a genuine coffee place that can be peacefull and quite and is a non smoking one!! they're all freaking so well established for commercial reasons... money money money

9. the only place that's smoke free is starbucks and i love starbucks but it's internet is not free

10. I hate gloria jeans... it's a place where you can go and see artifical fog creation from the tremendous amount of heavy smokers.

11. I hate second cup, the employees think that they speak english better than mine as i was busy on the phone and didn't hear him say regular / skimmed so he assumed i don't know what skimmed means... oh and he's so persistent that i order something more than just a coffee... a water bottle with it right? (back to the freaking water bottle), a cupcake? something please i beg you something plus the coffee!!! he should've added...

12. I hate more places, i'll point them out later...

13. Does anyone around here know how to make Iced latte vanilla flavored like the one Ghadeer and i used to get from the central train station in stockholm:(

14. I wonder if i should start with the cover charge issue, Roba already tackled that once a upon a restaurant story, but a little note in here... Mejana decides to create a cover charge just on thursdays, a 7 plus plus as the waiter says, which literally means a 10 jd minimum... i'm sure he can't pronounce 10 jds, a 7++ is easier.


to be continued..